one of the nice things about heterosexuals i never see talked about on here is that they haven’t already heard all your gay jokes yet. i just really appreciate having a new audience sometimes for my completely automatic responses to phrases like ‘i’ll be straight with you’. so, shoutout to all the innocent hets out there who have a genuine giggle over lame quips that a fellow queer would groan and hit me for. ilu guys.
I recently no scoped my coworker when she asked me “What’s in the closet, anyway?” and I automatically said “me”. She lost her mind. Full cackling in the middle of the store. I never thought I’d see the day that joke would work but here I was, blessed with an unexperienced heterosexual. It was transcendent.
I once had a girl working on a display where I work, and she commented, “I thought this would be straighter when I got done with it.” And I said, “my mother thought the same thing about me”, and everyone around us lost it. It was a blessed moment.
I knew a kid who saw my “Let’s get something straight: I’m not” bracelet and ended up laughing about it all day and telling anyone who would listen
I told a coworker that changing the music I picked would be homophobic and she lost her shit like it was the funniest thing ever
i used to offhandedly say stuff to my customers on campus like “unfortunately i’m very gay” and it always took them by surprise. they loved it.
I was visiting a (straight) friend recently and when he was making me breakfast he made me extra toast. I, of course, upon seeing this went ‘fuck yeah gay rights’ and he lost it. Should have seen his fave when I pulled the opposite joke, the ‘this is homophobia’ at any inconvenience. Was amazing.
I love how confused adults get with our humor and vine refrences cause like i just replied to my brother with ‘four female ghostbusters?? the feminist are taking over!!’ and he just screams ‘IM AN ADULT VIRGIN’ and my mom still has no idea what we’re talking about
Sometimes I fear we accidentally created a new language
vampires aren’t cool they’re just relatable: old tired stubborn, never go outside, self-isolates, poor diet, horrendous sleep schedule, constant squinting, refusal to change, could easily do something w/ their lives but refrain on principle, spend most of their time locked in a dark box
…..does this mean cat people hurl cats at the ground?
you just kind of… open ur arms and they sort themselves out. if you try and place them down they get mad and wiggle and make everything worse
some friends of mine have the most un-cat-ish cat i have ever met
my quintessential example of this:
i was holding him in my arms petting him while we were picking out what games to play that night. when we’d decided on a few, i needed to put the cat down in order to, you know, carry boxes. so i started letting him down, expecting that he’d eventually do the cat hop thing… but he never did.
i ended up lowering him all the way to the floor. and even then he never got his feet under him. i just sort of… plopped him down on his side as he stared up at me like a betrayed sack of flour.
I saw this so clearly in my mind and I’m never going to stop laughing at betrayed sack of flour.
